Settling the Murky Waters

What a day today was. Even though they were simple things, regular things. Things that others do like breathe, second nature. But for me I am as always grateful and happy just like being thankful for being alive.

My time together with her today has been enlightening, albeit a little more but still a significant step towards understanding the way we are. My walk with her started out with disagreements in taste of clothing. She asked me if there was anything I would like to see. Now for those who are not discerning, my answer would have sounded like off tangent or even provocative but I meant it to be a holistic response. I replied that there is nothing else that I would like to see because whatever I like is often met with disapproval anyway.

But the entire time while I was silent, I was thinking to myself about her choice in clothing. Most of the articles of clothing she was interested in did not really appeal to me. I felt as though they were not special. They were rather bland in a background person kind of way. If I were to dress, it would need to bear some identity. People would need to go,"Oh yes. This is definitely him/her," or "This person has a distinct style."

Just like how my past of wearing black has lingered still. Only because I cannot afford new threads and I have yet to find something that really makes me need to get it.

I had monologues before concerning people who like certain clothing because it looks nice on its own or on a model but they never took into consideration whether it would look good on them. But anyways, I chose not to be bothered by it. I also realised that I may have been imposing my expectation of identity on her. Though on the flipside, it would be nice if one day people could look and her and go, "Wow they certainly have good taste." One can only dream.

Regardless of that whole thought it was time for lunch and everything previously was washed away with heavy dosage of alcohol. Though the sensation was thrilling, it was also scary how liquid could affect one's ability to function properly.

At the end of the trip, I am glad to know more about her and what she likes but I also hope that she would try my suggestions instead of straight dismissal. After all at the end of the day, we like what makes us look good.

What a day today was. Even though they were simple things, regular things. I am glad that I learned more today.

Willfully Ignorant

If there is one thing that annoys me to no end is deliberate ignorance.

I am not talking about those who are genuinely in the dark but those who are implicitly told or shown but yet they with every fibre of their being refuses to acknowledge. They behave as such primarily to avoid being in the wrong. But to what gains? What is the point having a "portfolio" of good track record when the only evaluator is themselves?

* * * * *

It's 3:42AM and I cannot sleep. Why? Because I am angry over the day's event which I woke up to and really did not need to deal with. But instead I chose to be nice. I chose to entertain it.

I get accused of allegedly committing some supposedly breach of verbal contract where I am committed to performing some task, in a game, with a friend and his sister every week. Now I was not aware of such a thing and I with my clear conscience have never made such an agreement.

But this confrontational discussion which my friend engaged with me was not for seeking understanding or clearing any miscommunication (not on my part that's for damn sure). He was set to persecute somebody, anybody in attempts to vindicate his beloved sister. Fighting to restore her honour or dignity if you will. Apparently in his words, or maybe hers, I caused her "grief".

Whatever attempts to justify myself (which I now regretted even bothering to do) were all dismissed with double-standard and bias responses, which seemed fine when he was putting it to me, but invalid when I pointed out several more instances, which they practise.

"I don't like it when my family members are mistreated," said he, whom I saw at best, delusional and wanting to slay some hallucinated villain that had besmirched his sister. I could have easily taken that statement as a threat. And I do not take kindly to threats. But because of my choice, I chose to let it slide.

At the end of the day, logic had no significance in our conversation. It was all emotion. All about one person felt that she was wronged and somebody needed to pay for it. It was all that mattered. So people knowing that I am a nice person and often being the proverbial doormat, gets stepped on once again.

For the sake of getting him off my back, I formally apologised that she was led to believe such a dubious accusation took place. And that I never intended for her to be misled. Sure I apologised but the more I think about it, I am now not in the least bit sorry.

Why is it that when people whine about others being inconsiderate, it often somehow relates to the alleged inconsiderate person not doing something for them. They never weigh their own contributions to see whether such ironically self-centered statements warrant are even worth a thought.

The additional irony is that after all the barrage of attacks on me, he goes to trivialise my action asking me if it was worth me doing what I did. Trivial for me, but not for him or his sister right? People in the same situation should never ever trivialise the worth of an action or a situation that they themselves are in as well. If it's not important to you, get out of my face?

I've often lamented about how pointless it is of being close to a person only for them to have it easier in slapping you in the face. I was caught unaware, though not unsurprising this time around. Looking at the entire scheme of things, it is definitely unsurprising why some people are in their predicament. But hey, there's always an excuse for it. There's always somebody else to blame.

If there were lessons to be learnt from this whole incident. It would be to not ever expect that they know better. It is also clear to me that I should redraw the lines of loyalty. After all, they only care about their own feelings. Would it be wrong if I looked after my own? Or is that considered selfish as well?

I have come this far only to be treated as such. Jokes on me!

Attention to Details

Ever had those situations when you were a kid where you wanted something so much and will always be met with a "no" for whatever reason? It could be "no money" or just plain "no". And when by some miracle that you finally get a yes, you find out at stores that they're out of stock? In some situations, you get to see somebody grab the last piece before you?

Do you remember how did that feel? Sometimes, not only are you disallowed to wallow in your misery, someone would try to make things better by going: "How about this instead?" Most of the time you would realise it was a worse deal. Very seldom it is a better deal. But the fact remains that the one, which you wanted most is gone and most likely may never be yours. All these feels as though it is additional insult to the injury. The pain is just too much.

Sometimes people try to understand you, they attempt albeit with the greatest effort to listen to you. However try as they may, they just cannot seem to understand. And sometimes you feel or you could swear that it is so simple and yet they cannot see it when it is right in front of them. You resign in frustration and anger, sometimes sorrow. Perhaps the only way for you to get what you want is by doing it yourself.

How can people be so dense? Are they truly such or are they actually indifferent to your needs and wants? Sometimes you wonder if they truly care, where if they did they would have had no difficulty understanding what you were trying to express. Sometimes you wonder if you are the weird one who seems to see things that are not there.

Contra of Paradox

It has always been about doing good. Doing the best that I can. And after that, everything will follow through as God will handle the rest. Often at times I feel the weight of this burden of walking the path of righteousness, trying to live as least of a blameless life as I can.

Yet I see the ignorant others, regardless of their awareness, living life happily as they wish without worrying whether they are living according to our beliefs. And yet, they seem to be doing well and more often than not, doing better than me. It is hard not to compare when I see more effort on my part than they while my life continues to remain stagnant in places where I see needs of assistance.

I cannot help but ask, what problems would they have which commensurate with the blessings that they receive? Far from capitalistic way of distribution. I feel as though a socialist form of blessing would benefit me more these days.

There is no such thing as equal love. I have been getting the short end of the stick long enough to know.

Change Yourself, Change the World

No doubt that trust is a hard thing to do for most people. However, they need to realise that no man is an island. No one person can be self sufficient for the rest of his life. There are arguments that there have been many people in history or people that they know who have lived a lone existence.

They often forget to notice the loneliness that these people have to quietly suffer. Guaranteed. Humans as well as any creatures are not designed to be alone. The proof is the feeling of hurt when being criticised, insulted... rejected. Everyone would be happy to be in the presence of people who talk to them, welcome them... accept them. It is when they are hurt by people, which causes them to shy away. Avoiding the pain of being rejected. The absence of acceptance. If a person is fine on his own, he would be immune to ill treatment and never need to resort to living away from others in the first place!

I roll my eyes whenever somebody says she does not care about anyone anymore because of how she was mistreated and that she wished that she cease to exist, which would end all the suffering she supposedly is going through. See, the problem already begins with such a selfish view of life. "Everybody is hurting me. Everybody takes me for granted. Everybody doesn't care about me."

First of all, has she ever done anything for these people to earn their care and respect?
If yes and they are still that way, then why be around them any longer? Why continue seeking acceptance from non-sources? If the problem lies within other people, why desire to destroy one's self?

Believe it or not, people who like to play victim to their own chosen circumstances are egotistical. Even in their misery they claim the whole world despise their existence. Please, I'm sure most of these people have better things to do than waste their energy hating you.

* * * * *

Like it or not, humans depend on one another to get by more comfortably. Just because a batch of people has been a disappointment does not mean the rest of the world is the same. We just have to move on and search for other groups of people who would be more accepting.

Some people don't wish to get out of their predicament. They should not be angry at anybody but themselves. This is the result of being used to having everything handed to them easily. Everything they ever wanted previously was acquired without so much as breaking a sweat or even choosing the easy way out. One person I know used to say "the path of least resistance".

Going out of the way to avoid troubles in life will only cause us to be inexperienced. How then are we to face more difficult problems ahead when we have not learnt the previous "lessons" before? A person can only escape and avoid so much. Sooner or later it will catch up with them. It is just like skipping school or not taking examinations.

If you do not have elementary school qualifications, how do you move on to high school? How do you move on to a good college? How do you move on to a good university? How do you ensure that you have some experience and knowledge to ensure you are more eligible for the job? How will you move up in rank without the experiences from the job?

* * * * *

If you think people find you useless or without worth. Would it not make sense to create the self value? As ideal as it may be to have everybody accept us for who we are, we need to change ourselves for the better. It is a collective effort on everybody's part. Just like the boat goes faster when everybody rows. And when everybody rows, it requires less effort for each stroke of the oar.

Once again as the great King of Pop sang, if you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make that change.

If you want people to accept you, respect you... give them reasons to. If you feel that is too much effort, then don't be surprised if people find it too much of an effort to like you.

In Other Words... No Change

Some people think they are so smart by resorting to a different method of avoiding the need to change for the better. Newsflash! Nothing changes!

All these "agree to disagree".
All these "disgress".
All these "moving on".

They all show one thing. Inability to accept what has been said albeit in a more polite way. Like if there was a polite way in saying "f*** you!"

Same old thing happening again and again. What is the use of harping over something when no solution has changed or improved. Let alone try a solution at all! The inertia will only destroy the self eventually if it persists.

As they always say, one should not complain if one does not even want to help.
If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

A person who disagrees must have very good reasons and should be better in rebutting what has been put forth. Rather than just disagreeing for the sake of not wanting to admit the truth of the matter. Sticking their head in the sand? Playing the fiddle when Rome burns? You get the idea.

If they do not want to face the facts and do something about it, they should cease making noise about their predicament because then it would be none other than self-fulfilling prophecy.

Move On or Stay There

"Then they despised the pleasant land; they did not believe his promise. They grumbled in their tents and did not obey the LORD."
- Psalm 106:24-25

A spirit of discontent is a dangerous one. It is one that easily turns away from believing and forgets all the good that has been blessed. For what? Seeking what others have? Wanting to attain what others have, albeit bordering an unhealthy mind does not mean a thing when nothing significant is put into effort in order to acquire the desire.

How can you get angry for not getting something by doing nothing? It does not make sense! If a life of self sufficiency and comfort is all you ask for, then that is already your lot in life. If you have supposed justifications and reasons for not wanting to even work on new or different things, please do not make as though that what happens or what does not happen, is something uncommon.

For the things you wish you could have without putting the time and effort into being capable of handling it... It is ridiculous. With the more important things in life such as building relationships, there is no instant noodle method to it.

You can't make yourself change instantly to become a better person just for another. It is not natural. It is not sincere. It is done with the purpose of desire for the other. But is it truly your real self as how you would behave? True change must be with conviction.

The opportunity to change while idle is there for the taking, in preparation of what is to come. If one does not make the changes, how can he expect to receive something he is incapable of taking charge? If you do not want to be a leader then you will not be given a position of which you are to lead. And if you are not a leader, who would look to you for anything? If you are unable to even take charge of your own life, who would look to you for anything?

Going That Extra

There are many people who are content with status quo; the way things are or as I would like to visualise on a graph reading, position zero. Status quo on its own, just is. Most of the time it would mean that it is neither great nor bad, which also means nothing is getting better. No improvement. No development. No growth.

People often like to look at status quo and say, "It could be worse!" or "At least I am not like so-and-so!" referring to somebody or something that is worse. In the visual graph, it would be in the negative value.

Has the world become so complacent that preventive measures of falling into the negative while maintaining the status quo become such an achievement or something to take pride in?

There are people who often ask why their lives seem to be going nowhere. Why are their lives not progressing, not improving, not growing? The answer is fairly simple. It is all because of status quo. To move on in one's journey of life towards becoming a better person for this life and the next, one has to endure trials and tribulations in order to become better.

A calm sea does not make a skilled sailor.

If a person wants everything to be the same, safe and predictable... comfortable... then that person will forever perpetuate the stagnation of their lives and its events. It is only when we strive for something better do we actually grow and learn. With the new knowledge based on experience, we are more equipped and prepared to handle other things to come.

Life's challenges are like the work you have at your job. The more you put it off until later, the more it will pile up. At the end of the day when you come back, you would still need to clear them.

I remember a person who wrote in a newspaper once. He said owning an email account was like managing a garden. If one does not tend to it regularly, more work needs to be put in in order to clear outstanding occurrences.

Some people have a lot of backlog to clear; problems that have been put off far too long, unforgiveness, closures to issues left hanging indefinitely. All these get in the way of our progress forward. When one wonders why their life is the way it is, they only need to stop and look at themselves first to see if it was something that they did not do.

When a person maintains the status quo or near it, that leaves little to no room for any incidences that would put him or her in the negative. In contrast to a person who is ever trying to reach higher and higher positives.

Levels of Faith

"For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written, 'The just shall live by faith.' (Habakkuk 2:4)"
- Romans 1:17 (NKJV)

In tonight's sharing at my cell group. Words of encouragement has reached me while it also made me realise that I need to have more faith. Once again the daily grind has taken its toll on me, leaving less room for the mind to think and the body resorting to be independent of it, doing what needs to be done to get through the day in hopes of the next day being more hopeful to no avail.

I have become so occupied with daily works that I have forgotten about Him. I have forgotten to allow Him to help me. I have forgotten that He can take care of everything. I do admit after all He has done for me, it still is very difficult getting to the next level of faith.

From faith to faith. Every situation is another "test" of faith.

I have heard of people praying for their hair to turn from grey to black. I have heard of people praying for increased monthly income, reversing the effects of receding hairlines and command clouds to move.

I admit right here and now, my faith is not at that level yet. I have also learnt that He cannot work in our lives if we simply do not believe. As simple as it is, to say that all we need to believe... over the years, we have come to rely on the tangible. It is also fear that paralyses us from taking that step into what He has in plan for us.

My boss also once told me that it is fear that cripples us from progressing.

What do I fear? Just like most everybody; fear of failing. Fear of losing what I have. Logical fears, I know. However He wants us to put our trust in Him. I know He wants us to put everything on Him.

The more I think of it, the more I imagine Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade where he struggled with the Leap of Faith, having to totally trust that he could walk over the ravine. That is the vision I have in my head whenever I think about totally trusting on Him.

The struggles of setting myself straight is difficult. It is something I already know that I must do but procrastinate for another day... and another day. I pray for strength of mind to do so.

Straight and True

"Watch out for people who try to dazzle you with big words and intellectual double-talk. They want to drag you off into endless arguments that never amount to anything. They spread their ideas through the empty traditions of human beings and the empty superstitions of spirit beings. But that's not the way of Christ."
- Colossians 2:8

When a person cannot seem to give me a reply that is straight, I tend to be wary of the person's character. The fact of the matter is this:

If you cannot tell the truth, it means you are afraid of doing so.
If you are afraid of doing so, it means you are hiding something.
If you are hiding something, it means you are afraid of the truth.

People can argue over this trying to justify "withholding the truth" is not the same as lying.
That may be true, but I would not use the word "lying". I would say it is dishonesty.

It annoys me to no end when a person who is label themselves a believer of the faith, while intentionally being dishonest. And that person rather than answer truthfully and simple would rather take greater effort to evade answering while diverting attention to other matters. In doing all that, the person attempts to take the moral high ground. Amazing! The person even proceeds to say that they refuse to dignify with a response.

Such hubris.

When a person finds it difficult to answer truthfully and chooses to be prickly about it at the same time antagonises me, well... Good luck to them with their future relations. They must have pretty high standards... so much so that nobody is able to get close to them. That could explain why these people are alone. Sadly to the end of their days.

A cup that is full cannot take in anymore water. I rather be inferior and with friends.