To Break the Monotony

Looking far back, I remember that I intended for this blog to have more uplifting, encouraging and enlightening content. But as Murphy's Law would dictate, it's usually one unfavourable event after another.

It's been an unconventional life going for me these past few years. Through it all, I am grateful to God who has seen me through every part of it. Despite my disobedience and defiance in certain aspects of my life, He still accepts me when I repent. The evidence is that He still blesses me through providence to get by day to day.

I have learned and do admit that I am a man who should not be trusted with power. It turns me arrogant and causes me to do dumb stuff. After having learnt it the hard way, I am pretty content with my life's situation and would never ever again ask God, why I am poor.

Though it is my desire to start a family, I do pray that God would extend His providence to my future children as well. Although I believe that I still have some lessons more before I am ready to be a parent.

Majority Rules

For decades, democracy has been marketed as the way a country should run. Where its people are free from "oppressive" laws, which forbids them from living their lives the way they want. This in turn is marketed as denying them freedom.

Nowadays, the term democracy seems to be melded or infused with the term freedom. Most people today would often overlook it as synonymous given how it is portrayed as such time and time again in the media, especially those from Land of the Free, where its media in form of TV shows, movies and songs have conquered and indoctrinated most parts of the developed world with its ideals, beliefs, lifestyles and even errors - which people blindly emulate.

I've heard of many theories of how the US was meant as a prototype nation allowed by the British empire (whom have been alleged to be as part of the world's secret order). The prototype nation would serve to experiment on its denizens with all kinds of philosophies and beliefs that was already planned and set into motion centuries back. Today, we see the results of the long term cultivation.

To name a few of what is apparent and accepted as the norm today: rebellion against authority; rebellion against parents; promiscuity without fear of consequences; self-entitlements; and many more. To summarise, people want to decide for themselves what is right and wrong in their own eyes. People want to be their own rulers in their world, in a sense determining what should and should not be accepted in their lives.

When I was younger, I used to frown upon the conservative ways of Asians thinking that their ways were too stifling and depriving. But as I grew older, learning through mistakes of my own and others, I realise the significance.

As history has shown, any nation that grows to a certain pinnacle of its civilisation, would eventually bring destruction upon itself through its depravity. Depravity always originates from man wanting more and more to satiate his senses due to being immune or taking for granted everyday things. This happens when life becomes too easy and comfortable.

Democracy was practised in the ancient Greek and Roman empire. Where are they now?

Moving back to the topic at hand, democracy among many definitions mean the rule of the majority. Often people misplace their trust that the majority is always right. But if you believe that there is no higher being who has the absolute position to determine what is right and what is wrong... then morality simply becomes a label for people to decide what is right and wrong in their own eyes. But since we can all agree that nobody is perfect, whose morality would offer better credence?

Just like how the many countries of the world who backed and measure the value of their own currency against the US dollar, which at one time was backed by gold (and now isn't). But there are some who believe in making power for themselves without the reliance on the US, such as China or Russia. Who then would be more reliable?

A world where everybody does what he/she wants based on what is right in his/her own eyes, will only cause repercussions (most often bad) for people around them. Most people think themselves as one ripple in a pool of water. But in reality, it is a large scale of so many venn diagrams which cause overlapping effects to each and everybody's lives. In short chaos.

Why is there so much evil in the world? Simple. A combination of "freedom" and selfishness. Now, do you trust a collection of people who can't even live their lives in consideration of other people, to know what is best for a country as a whole?

If you still believe in a yes, then the next question would be "what makes you qualified to tell others how they should live their lives?"

Positioning Value

I had a conversation with a friend recently about what defines success in life. The secular and most common view would be having "made it"; whereby one has attain financial or social status which seemingly grant power to do things that could not possible (or legal) otherwise. But more or less it goes back to being tied with money.

Do fancy clothes, smartphone, car or house signify a person's success in life? Sure, only if those are the end goals the person has in life. Take that all away and what is the person to others?

Until this very day, I cannot comprehend why people look up to those who attain some sort of materialistic status. These sycophants will do what they can to be associated with, or recognised by the person whom they put on the pedestal. All this despite the person having almost nothing to do with them. Why admire a person who has done nothing good for others? Why admire them for the things they own and not the good that they do for others?

Personally, I respect and look up to people who have made something out of their lives from little to nothing. Without help from anybody. Where they had to rise above stifling insults and discouraging remarks.

Not 30-year-olds who became billionaires through the advantage of having rich parents. In fact that should be the status quo, where rich people's kids are expected to perform at a minimum requirement that is higher than those who have not.

What is the value of a man when you remove all his material belongings and his looks? What is his heart like? Would he still be as admirable or desirable as he was with his wealth?

The world is getting more messed up as time goes by because of the propagation in valuing the wrong things. People are willing to sacrifice their dignity lining up for dim sum on Sunday mornings, or herded like cattle for the latest iPhone. Why? Because everybody else is doing it.

It has come to the point where things which were once thought ridiculous is now accepted and even cool to do. It has come to the point where everybody thinks it's okay to be introverted. It has come to the point where the current society allows it to be acceptable to communicate with each other by text through fingers as oppose to words from mouth, face to face.

Time changes indeed, but shouldn't it be for the better? The current and next generation should be an improvement to our predecessors as oppose to requiring more handicap.

People are caring less about what is right or wrong. People are compromising on them, trying to gray out every black and white. Little by little, before they know it, society's foundations would have all but erode. Is this the sign of evolution perhaps?

Too Many Takers, Not Enough Givers

In this day and age, with social media having become part of our daily rituals, it is so easy to share media of interests with our social circles of family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances. Endangered are the days where people actually had to make time to physically hang out with others just to catch up or share the latest on what’s going on in each other’s lives. The contemporary and convenient medium of staying in touch with people we know, have also simplified the methods of communication a little too much.

The internet is an expansive sea of information; a library of data on so many things that is readily available at our fingertips. No doubt this availability and accessibility has changed the lives of many. I am privileged to have witness the change in society’s general level of intellect from the beginning of the internet days since dial-up days. The generation of today will never understand how challenging it was for some of us of the older generation to gain access to the world. People today just casually open their browsers be it on a computer or a smartphone... the latter mostly. Come to think of it, we have a new generation of people who don’t even bother about the computer anymore and just rely on their phones or tablets. I feel sorry for them but that’s another topic altogether so I digress.

So information is readily available now, and with social media, it’s all about copy and pasting a website link of interesting articles of videos, which people come across and feel like sharing it with whom they know. It has become so simple that people do it without thinking. Just like turning on a light switch in a dark room without even needing to make sure if the correct switch was turned on. So people now have become used to consume whatever is on their “walls”. Notice that ironically it is called the “feed”.

Finally getting to the point of it all. There are just too many people who take in works of others, whether it is point of views, creativity and yes, even principles. The thoughts of the typical internet user is becoming more and more homogenised, as more and more people agree on the same things, which before they know it, reduces them to cyber sheep plugged into “the Matrix”. Banding together with followers who believe in the same thing, and waging proverbial wars against those who don’t - this whole “group think” while some tout as a good way to share knowledge, has a high risk of becoming more like a hive mind, where everybody only knows the same things which were fed to them.

The majority relies and become dependent on a selected few who are brave enough to voice out their opinions. They often end up as either heroes or villains - depending on the audience’s preferred views - and put on pedestals like some sort of idol to be looked up to.

There is not enough individuals producing and sharing their own personal and original thoughts, views and works. It’s fine to agree, it’s fine to disagree but for their own sakes, please provide their own thought-up opinions on why. It is little wonder as to why more and more of the younger generation appear to have issues in the work place, being unable to think for themselves and take initiative. Being unable to manage tasks and solve problems. We would always conveniently blame it on the education system. Oh yes, the education system does play an important role in shaping the mind of our “future leaders”. But what of those geniuses in our history who failed school?

What I hope to see is more people producing and sharing more personalised content. More thoughts of their owns. There are too many people who look at somebody’s work and go “this guy is good!” They show their appreciation and that’s the end of it. They don’t feel inspired or motivated to create their own. Everybody looks up to people like Patrick Teoh, Raja Petra Kamaruddin, Erna Mahyuni, Mariam Mokhtar and more. They are great examples of people who write and share their opinions with the world. If you truly appreciate their thoughts, then honour them (in this case) by creating works and words of your own. If you subscribe to their point of views, then reinforcing theirs by sharing your own. And if you disagree, share with people around you the reasons.

It doesn’t have to be writings. It could be work of arts, music, videos... anything! We need more heroes, we need more leaders, we need more originality, we need more legacies.

Misogyny, Misandry and Sundry

Since the most recent and tragic incident - where some guy murdered a bunch of girls in a sorority house, while killing innocent bystanders along the way, which yes, included other males as well - a lot of girls and women alike, some proudly donning the feminist label, have taken the opportunity, jumping on the bandwagon to berate about the evils of misogynistic men... or just men, by their definition. To some of them, it may as well be synonymous. And this is something I find impudent.

If these people - noticed I am referring to a selected group, neither generalising nor stereotyping - would be so kind as to be more specific in their gripes instead of implying that “all men are like that”, we wouldn’t have an issue. I would even be more open to understanding them had they actually contributed personal experiences as to what made them have those point of views where all men are misogynists; all men don’t respect women; and whatever else claims of the same effect.

By now to some it may be obvious that a generalising statement on “men” - just because some carry themselves poorly - speaks volumes about the accusers. If there is one thing that the accusers have in common, is that they all have issues with the opposite gender, which, I believe stems from home. Or some may have even adopted the cause second hand, just because others are doing it.

Let’s not forget, that we all have our own issues, our own history and how they influence us to be who we are today. Some people choose to learn from experiences, becoming better individuals, some just revel in articulating themselves as victims of circumstances.

More often than not, these articles, whether written by male or female, keep going on and on about the male for committing an atrocious act against the other gender. They keep poking and analysing over the fact that the guy committed the act and judge - yes I said judge - the guy for the crime(s), which he committed. They never bother to study the history of the person as what may have contributed to him becoming who he is. Nobody cares about that. Everybody just wants to get on their high horse and verbally lynch the guy.

I cannot claim to be without fault. But can the rest of them do so? Who are they to use people involved in the incidents as their metaphorical pinata, to run their mouths off, figuratively behind their backs, in the safety and comforts of anonymity behind their screens. And just because of them, how did the accusers lead to stereotyping every other guy as the same?

Yes, the most recent incident of the guy who killed a bunch of people, with spotlight and emphasis on the sorority girls, was indeed a terrible incident. But must other guys, receive a carpet bombing treatment if only to satiate these accusers and their insatiable anger, despite how said incident never affected them directly at all?

Instead of mindlessly condemning others, why not be appreciate that there are others who aren't as such? And be thankful that what we read in the news, is not a common thing. Since it's not a common thing, why do they need to whinge as though it is?

When you stereotype and generalise others, you bring yourself down. When you paint everybody with the same brush and colour, don’t complain about how it all looks the same. Perhaps it's because the perpetrator was on the receiving end of being stereotyped and despised in the first place, which led him to cause such a tragic act. Think about it.

Is your reaction of hate, perpetuating this cycle?

Of Logic and Emotions

I don't remember if I used the title before, but oh well...

I have often been criticised for being too logical and void of emotions when it comes to presenting solutions for problems. Some people find my solutions as ruthless in its method of execution and they couldn't imagine how they were able to bring themselves to do it. My argument would be that it would be the most effective way of handling it. The most effective way... as in, direct to the point; the straightest the line possible from point A to B.

As I've said before previously that I deal with facts, as much data as possible to reduce the possibilities and probabilities of making errors. It is typical that people are appreciative of the results but not so much the means. Don't worry, I never resort to anything underhanded or unethical.

When I was young, I was filled with emotion. I had a less than an ordinary growing up experience. In short, whatever problems I encounter, were mine to deal with whether I liked it or not. It has gotten to the point where getting upset and crying was too troublesome and not productive at all. One day I decided to rid myself of as much emotion as possible wherever possible and instead, focus on thinking logically on how to deal with the situation at hand. Over time of course, I became accustomed to it.

As the saying goes, that your strength is also your weakness. I came to the point of being having a greater clarity in discernment where others couldn't. It would be rather apparent to me while others would struggle to see what I did. My displeasure for their inability would be visible and that would cause unpleasantries. I could never understand why were unable to see things as I did. I slowly discovered that I had gained heightened awareness in certain areas at the cost of my humanity and compassion.

Dishonesty Veiled

Dishonesty has always been one of my greatest hate. If a war could be waged upon it, I would gladly lead that war in the front lines.

How is it that people can lie through their teeth without blinking an eye. Better yet, how are they able to believe in their own fabrication to the point it has become reality in their minds. They rather face believe their lies than to face the real truth and accept responsibility for their actions.

With such people who refuse to be accountable for their actions, how can anybody entrust anything important to them? Important things, like friendship and love. There is nothing to stop them from stabbing you as they see your back.

Liars will go all out of their way to embellish their story or false alibi in hopes of selling you their story, and hope you pay for it, with your trust, and more. For every question to their questionable action, they will always have some sort of excuse or "cover line" of which to evade the subject at hand.

They say action speaks louder than words... There is a good reason for that saying which lives on until this very day. A person who is trustworthy, does not need to sell himself. People will know through the consistency of his actions. Consistency. Perseverance.

If it's too good to be true, it probably is. I am a firm believer of working for my gain. Whatever I have, is through "toiling the earth" the honest way. You can only go so far in being dishonest.

Nothing good can start from deception and betrayal. And nothing will end well because of it.

Whoever loves righteousness, hates wickedness. Whoever loves wickedness, hates righteousness.

You cannot escape the truth, so might as well live responsibly because we all will face judgment in the end.

Double Standards? Maybe...

It seems I am known to be rather religious or seemingly uncompromising in my beliefs and principles. I'm glad that people recognise me for such qualities because it shows that I'm straight cut no nonsense when it comes to walking the line.

Had a discussion with an acquaintance a few days ago. We were discussing about his decisions in life and he was astonished to hear me not-discouraging his plans. In fact, in some areas I was advocating his choices. So he asked me whether that would make me a hypocrite since it went against my beliefs.

I disagreed. I said, while I had my own beliefs, principles and practises. It doesn't mean that I need to, or should impose it on other people. If I had been asked how I would act on certain things, I would gladly do so with detailed explanation of course. I don't believe in imposing my way of things on others. I mean, who am I to do such a thing? How different would I be from those religious fanatics and zealots who are bent on forcing their dogma down people's throats. It would obviously have the adverse effect if I wanted them to understand my view.

I am not here to judge, rather I am inspired to follow after His way, which is to reveal, illuminate and educate. He didn't forced His teachings on anybody. Not even with a sword. For if we live by the sword, we would die by the sword.

There is no point arguing since arguments themselves happen when minds that are made up, come across differing views. Usually when a person has decided on something, it would be difficult to convince them otherwise. And of course, nobody likes to be told the are wrong. Perhaps some people are gifted with being able to gently persuade others on the errors of their ways, but I don't have that.

I deal with cold hard facts. Like it or not. Facts which make you aware and help you make better, educated and informed decisions. Don't like it? Don't take it. But hey, you asked.

Friend or foe, I deliver the same. I am never bias, because I have experienced the other end of it. Many times in life have I endured injustice even from those who claim to share the same beliefs as I. I would maybe go as far as to implore to consider the outcomes based on the decisions, but that's it. Life is too short for me to carry a torch for so many out there. It's even worse since I am suffering from hypertension.

Call it double standards? Maybe. I have one for myself, and I have none for others.

Bros for Hos

It pains me but I have to accept the fact that I have lost a friend who might as well be dead to me, dead to the world. All the years of giving a shit about him but he never seem to cared. Always only looking out for himself. Always not wanting to invest in anything other than what benefits himself.

If there’s one thing I will not tolerate is guys who forget about their friends and disappears from the face of the earth to be with a girl. And they only show up again asking to hang out when their girl is not available.

The biggest “f*** you”, I received today, and so far in my entire life. He was the one that asked to have dinner only to cancel it almost at the very last minute because apparently it sounded like there was an emergency.

Get this. He needed to be home because his needy excuse of a girlfriend was not feeling well and so she decided to go home early, have an early dinner and go to bed. According to him, she doesn’t like eating alone so he has to accompany her.

“Like what, on Skype!?” I asked for clarification. To which he reluctantly acknowledged.

I’m talking about a guy who gave up his entire life, to leave the country and be with her. Dropping all his progress in life, career, friends and family just to be with her. I tried not to pay it much mind but other people could also tell she was too needy. If you think this is romantic, I think it’s ridiculous.

Encouraging such dependent and spoiled behaviour. And for what? To feel useful? To give one’s self the illusion that he’s loved for “loving” her. So what happens if he doesn’t do all these? No love for the guy?

Another friend of mine was nonchalantly saying that once he finally goes over, and if she dumps him, it would be hilarious. I tried not to give in to that thought but it seems like the only comfort I could have.

Life is Cheap As Long As It Isn't Ours

Few days ago, a Nepalese man committed suicide by jumping off  the roof of a three-storeyed row of shop lots in the upper class area of Taman Tun Dr. Ismail (TTDI).

Read Nepali jumps to his death from roof of shoplot for the context.

Needless to say it was a tragic incident. According to the writer of the following article, as provided in the link, he/she is disgusted with how people responded to the incident. Particularly the people on social media.

Read Rich in your pocket, poor in your soul - A disgusted TTDI resident to get the backstory.

The writer expressed disdain over the people's apathy and those who even encouraged the suicide to happen. And that these people placed more priority in other things like lost pets, food sales, restaurant reviews, crime and traffic problems. The writer even singled out the residents of TTDI.

Time and time again, there will be those who supposedly take the moral high ground and rebuke others for behaving less than expected. In this case the writer, who is even a TTDI resident, criticising his own neighbourhood. If I would be so inclined as to throw a thoughtless judgemental response, I'd say that this person took the pre-emptive measures to cover his/her ass at the expense of criticising his fellow residents.

To act astonished by the type of people you find on the internet is to be naïve and ignorant. The world is full of people with ugly souls and are concealed for they are often too afraid to show in person. Attempts to rebuke people on the internet, let alone in real life, is a futile attempt – sorry to say. For as long as we have free will, everybody will do whatever they want as long as they can get away with it. If you want to see change in this area, then make sure that people are educated properly. Parents' upbringing play an important role in this area, like it or not.

The Nepalese who committed suicide did it by his own free will. Nothing that the people online could say would have changed anything. Their actions merely revealed who they are inside. Not justifying their behaviour... but who are we to control how others think or behave, whether right or wrong?

The writer did display some level of awareness that there is more that the country could do to address exploitation of foreign workers. Before any improvements to the nation can take place, we first need to look to ourselves. For as long as majority of the people keep looking out only for themselves, the country will remain scattered with no unity towards common goals for the benefit of all. Just like a boat with everybody paddling in different directions.

It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor. If you don't have proper values, you just don't. Having the privilege of being in the upper class of society does not make you benevolent, intelligent or sophisticated by default. Refer to the phrase “nice guys finish last”. I have rarely met rich people who are genuinely nice. These people are often more concerned about their possessions and personal status over other people. So, there wasn't anything that the netizens could say to undo the tragic act, regardless of whatever class they belong to.

Do I agree that their goading comments were inappropriate? Yes, I do. They were disrespectful, but then again, what else is new with us “civilised” humans? As I once heard from a respected leader... we can have the world's greatest man to lead the country, but if the individuals themselves refuse to change their ways for the better, what good is that one man? We shouldn't look to others to change when we know very well ourselves that we have free will and hate being told what to do.

Comfortable people should be the last to complain.

Exodus: The Road

Nearer towards the end of 2012, I received an email from a company who was my client during my previous work life. They asked if I could help with their work, which I had been doing for them annually for the past five years. Being cautious, and of principle, I had to make sure that I would not have been unknowingly stealing a client from my previous work place. After confirmations, I agreed to take the job. For some strange reason I believed that God provided me with the opportunity as some form of sustenance during my "rest". While taking up the job imposed several obstacles, I said to Him that if this is what He wanted, it would be what I will do. Failure or success would be part of His plan.

I had applied to several companies in hopes of eventually landing some interviews. I would like to think that I am one of those people with the worst luck when it comes to applying for jobs. All these job search sites might as well be liars to me.

Meanwhile a friend had been pushing me to meet up with a friend of hers who ran a headhunting agency for a while. I was reluctant to go the entire time because I just did not feel at ease meeting them on top of that prior to leaving my previous job, I barely had any time to myself. So it came to the point where I had nothing to lose, so I relented. I thought the idea of a headhunting agency was to help you get a job, but the owner of this company seemed to be more interested to tell me about his success story of where he is today and to also find faults with me. If that had been his intention all along, then I commend him for a job well done. The experience that day only served to reinforce my reservations for accepting people's help. Despite them meaning well, sometimes it does more harm than help. This would also be an extra point in going against the common saying of "How would you know if you don't try?", "Give them a benefit of a doubt." and "You are too quick to judge."

My senses have rarely let me down. It's when I allow others the benefit of a doubt that I more often than not, end up getting burned for it.

Later on, another friend, with whom I am often at odds recommended me to apply at a company who had a vacancy for a writer. The interview went well, the interviewer was impressed. However I did not get the job due to some fancy jargon, with which I could have made my own assumptions but I chose not to care. I just said to God, that this was probably His doing and that I trusted Him in the entire situation.

Time was and is still drawing closer towards my big day of symbolising my life's commitment to my beloved and without a certain way of securing a monthly income, the heat started to get more uncomfortable. During my idle time as well, I made it an effort to be of help to anyone I could. To the very least become a person whom they could talk to. Since I had nothing better to do anyway, might as well do some good.

As time went on, I felt that I was being spoken to from several sources that said the same thing.

Exodus: Truly?

For those who know me, as much as I try to write about positive aspects of life, I tend to digress towards being my old self where I observed and criticised the behaviour of people in general. Most of the time my thoughts dwell on the negative. Though I have tried adding constructive criticisms; treating the effects as symptoms and understanding the cause while attempting to provide a suggestion or remedy, if you will. As I struggled with my life for the past few months, I now realise that it was during that time in the proverbial wilderness and silence was when my attention was brought back to God.

In the quiet wait of uncertainty, it was a constant battle but fortunately a stalemate between keeping calm while trusting Him and giving up, giving in to despair. Looking back at my other experiences, it seems to be a recurring pattern. It always comes down to being left with nothing before I am able to regain focus of Him and when that happens, everything would fall into place.

To write it so plainly, does not do justice. It reads as though it is merely as simple as returning to Him and everything becomes right as rain. I wish it were so. Perhaps it would have been easier if I were a child. Back then it was easier to trust and to try. And as I grow older, the comfort and safety of routine becomes more enticing. The uncertainties of life just becomes more real. Unlike most normal families, I never had much of a safety net others would know their parents to be. Come to think about it, my life has been somewhat like AirAsia; no frills, except that I didn't get to choose the flight.

Anyways for those who know me, I was out of a job for the final quarter of 2012. It was indeed a big risk to have quit my previous job without securing the next. It was no surprise that most of my friends somehow radiated their aura of disapproval of my decision and could only cover it with weak words of encouragement. I don't blame them and I do agree with their thoughts. Any right-minded, logical-thinking person would not have done so. I would like to believe that it was "now or never" at that point of time as the only way was up. If you watched The Dark Knight Rises, you would remember Bane's prison. Yeah something like that.

During the four months of being unemployed. I tried to relax as much as I could by passing the time with activities I enjoy. Surprisingly, or maybe unsurprisingly my high blood pressure went down. I managed to get more rest than I would have gotten while working in the previous job. I also only ate whenever I was hungry, which also contributed to a weight lost. I did what I could to distract myself from freaking out at the thought of indefinite unemployment. I would not have been affected so much if I did not have a wedding in the coming few months.

Being the skeptic and cynic that I am, despite brothers and sisters being so kind with words of encouragement that everything would be alright and that He had it all covered. I somewhat felt that perhaps I would never be good enough for any job given my track record of less than decent performances since high school days. I was never a good student because I had a difficult time grasping the concept of what teachers and lecturers convey. I often thought that maybe I was slow or had some unknown disability. Needless to say, self esteem was always much desired.

Towards the end of 2012, I often kept hearing people talk about being obedient to God, though I never paid much attention to it. I already had a hard time straining to "listen" for His voice. I always wonder how God speaks to so many people but I could never hear Him. What sin did I commit to render myself deaf? Little did I know what was in store for me.

Self-imposed Oblivion and Dignity

You know how some people say that success does not happen overnight? And how someone's personality was not the way they are all of a sudden. I also saw a quote at the National Registration Department recently saying that, "You don't fail overnight. Instead failure is a result of error in judgments made repeatedly."

The essence is that a person's predicament does not happen suddenly and without reason or cause. Mind you "smart" people out there who are thinking of instances of car accidents or coming down with a sickness.

Few years ago I was in one of my many negative modes where I believed that I would never amount to anything good. I was told that my outlook of life was self-fulfilling prophecy. I could not understand, in fact I strongly rejected the idea that I was putting myself in a situation where I was intentionally setting up myself for failure. Only now when I look at others experiencing what I had, do I understand better.

If a person keeps intentionally doing something the exact way which were not successful the last several times, but yet adamantly keeps repeating over and over again, it is hardly a surprise that he would definitely know very well what the outcome would be. What is ridiculous is that he would find some sort of pride in being able to show people that he was right in believing that his attempts are futile because he already knew what the ending would be.

The compounding problem is when he already is settled for that mindset, that he behaves, or rather lives his life revolving around that state of mind. The faux reality which he has overlaid over the real layer of the world. It is like wearing a pair of shit-tinted glasses. He starts to believe his own lie about what the world, what the people are like. This lie of course started out as a whisper, but the Prince of this World is cunning. Now the lie has become a reality in his eyes and his mind. I only pray that his heart will be the last hope of resistance, which will push back the onslaught and ultimately win back his thoughts and visions for good.

* * * * *

As he is oblivious to the reality of the situation, so too is he oblivious to how others who genuinely care, are feeling especially when people, like myself, are trying to restore dignity and self-respect in him. It seems to amount to nothing as my efforts are trampled upon as worthless. I also cannot help but feel that I am resented for what I have, for the little that I have.

It's one thing to envy and resent those who have more than we do, but to envy and resent those whom have less than you? That is very dangerous territory. Ungratefulness leads to resentment, which leads to disobedience and ultimately separation.

My mother told me that if a person is not grateful for what he has that he would never ever be grateful for what he would get. I in my impoverished state could not fathom the meaning to those words because anything we received would be more than what we ever had before. I only realised what she meant when I observed those who were well off and lived more than comfortable lives. Their desire for worldly gains was never quenchable. They always needed to have the next newer, better thing. It seemed as though they were subjects to their desires.

Thinking about how I am resented for what little that I have, which he does not have while he has so much more than me in terms of comforts and security really hurts me. Especially with so many things that he has done to which I consciously chose to turn a blind eye.

But yet, here I am striving to build up and restore dignity in his being, as oblivious as he is, blinded by his self-inflicted misery. All I feel as days go by is a faded friendship. I feel as though I am being treated more and more like just another person or annoyance in his life as he reinforces the wall around himself.

I've said it before that while he believes people are avoiding him, it is actually the other way around where he pushes people away. Over time out of respect for his strongly portrayed desire for privacy and solitude, people just stop approaching. But then in his head, he sees them as the one avoiding him.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

 

Just Sayings

There are some people who live by talking. There are those who talk by living.

How can he conjure up so much textual nonsense but yet do not live by his very own sayings? Two possibilities that are the only explanation for a person of this condition is retardation or blatant hypocrisy. It insults my intelligence. It shows he probably has none.

What is the point of speaking as though he knows, when nothing that he (assuming) has put into practice bear fruit?

If he complains on and on about how the world is unfair to him yet he does absolutely nothing worth to change his predicament, how does that make sense? One thousand and one so called reasons why changes cannot take place. He notices that he is not being treated the way he ideally expects he is entitled to. But he has done nothing to change that. Lead by example they say.

Other people are scum for treating him as such. But why is it fine when he does it to others? Especially to those whom he claims that he is close with? Intentionally lying may not be the agenda. But this is just ridiculous. So much talk while actions show otherwise. This is why the predicament remains. Because it's all talk. It's easier to gripe than to do something about it.

Despite all the excuses, people have given him opportunities to make something of himself. Opportunities to do things differently. But does he see it? No. Does he listen to things being spelled out explicitly for him? No. Excuses upon excuses to justify why he is unable take up the suggestions of others, who obviously have gone further than him.

Complaining that nobody shows him kindness and grace, but yet every gesture has been disregarded or thrown aside while he continues to treat them indifferently. Blinding himself to the blessings yet demanding something more. Expecting for so much when he has done so little. Is that fair at all?

The more I am inflicted with this, the more I believe that it is unnecessary for me to put up with it. Everybody has their limits. So do I. What is the point in me caring when it is met with indifference? I promise that the next time I am accused from the likes of him, I will have no more cheek to turn.

Someone else said that he has weird sense of priorities in life. Glad to know somebody else said the same thing as I have. The view of "me (and my family) against the world" will, if not already be his affliction of isolation.

Another thing: Loyalty is good and all provided if it is fair and wise. Zealously servicing those who you are loyal to, when in the wrong does not award you credits for effort. You are no different than those fanatics of religion.

Also, if you claim that you cannot read people's minds. Then don't expect other people to do so with you. It's just messed up.

"Grace before perfection" indeed. Receive grace but don't show grace, and especially no working towards perfection? Isn't that just taking the grace for granted?

Settling the Murky Waters

What a day today was. Even though they were simple things, regular things. Things that others do like breathe, second nature. But for me I am as always grateful and happy just like being thankful for being alive.

My time together with her today has been enlightening, albeit a little more but still a significant step towards understanding the way we are. My walk with her started out with disagreements in taste of clothing. She asked me if there was anything I would like to see. Now for those who are not discerning, my answer would have sounded like off tangent or even provocative but I meant it to be a holistic response. I replied that there is nothing else that I would like to see because whatever I like is often met with disapproval anyway.

But the entire time while I was silent, I was thinking to myself about her choice in clothing. Most of the articles of clothing she was interested in did not really appeal to me. I felt as though they were not special. They were rather bland in a background person kind of way. If I were to dress, it would need to bear some identity. People would need to go,"Oh yes. This is definitely him/her," or "This person has a distinct style."

Just like how my past of wearing black has lingered still. Only because I cannot afford new threads and I have yet to find something that really makes me need to get it.

I had monologues before concerning people who like certain clothing because it looks nice on its own or on a model but they never took into consideration whether it would look good on them. But anyways, I chose not to be bothered by it. I also realised that I may have been imposing my expectation of identity on her. Though on the flipside, it would be nice if one day people could look and her and go, "Wow they certainly have good taste." One can only dream.

Regardless of that whole thought it was time for lunch and everything previously was washed away with heavy dosage of alcohol. Though the sensation was thrilling, it was also scary how liquid could affect one's ability to function properly.

At the end of the trip, I am glad to know more about her and what she likes but I also hope that she would try my suggestions instead of straight dismissal. After all at the end of the day, we like what makes us look good.

What a day today was. Even though they were simple things, regular things. I am glad that I learned more today.

Willfully Ignorant

If there is one thing that annoys me to no end is deliberate ignorance.

I am not talking about those who are genuinely in the dark but those who are implicitly told or shown but yet they with every fibre of their being refuses to acknowledge. They behave as such primarily to avoid being in the wrong. But to what gains? What is the point having a "portfolio" of good track record when the only evaluator is themselves?

* * * * *

It's 3:42AM and I cannot sleep. Why? Because I am angry over the day's event which I woke up to and really did not need to deal with. But instead I chose to be nice. I chose to entertain it.

I get accused of allegedly committing some supposedly breach of verbal contract where I am committed to performing some task, in a game, with a friend and his sister every week. Now I was not aware of such a thing and I with my clear conscience have never made such an agreement.

But this confrontational discussion which my friend engaged with me was not for seeking understanding or clearing any miscommunication (not on my part that's for damn sure). He was set to persecute somebody, anybody in attempts to vindicate his beloved sister. Fighting to restore her honour or dignity if you will. Apparently in his words, or maybe hers, I caused her "grief".

Whatever attempts to justify myself (which I now regretted even bothering to do) were all dismissed with double-standard and bias responses, which seemed fine when he was putting it to me, but invalid when I pointed out several more instances, which they practise.

"I don't like it when my family members are mistreated," said he, whom I saw at best, delusional and wanting to slay some hallucinated villain that had besmirched his sister. I could have easily taken that statement as a threat. And I do not take kindly to threats. But because of my choice, I chose to let it slide.

At the end of the day, logic had no significance in our conversation. It was all emotion. All about one person felt that she was wronged and somebody needed to pay for it. It was all that mattered. So people knowing that I am a nice person and often being the proverbial doormat, gets stepped on once again.

For the sake of getting him off my back, I formally apologised that she was led to believe such a dubious accusation took place. And that I never intended for her to be misled. Sure I apologised but the more I think about it, I am now not in the least bit sorry.

Why is it that when people whine about others being inconsiderate, it often somehow relates to the alleged inconsiderate person not doing something for them. They never weigh their own contributions to see whether such ironically self-centered statements warrant are even worth a thought.

The additional irony is that after all the barrage of attacks on me, he goes to trivialise my action asking me if it was worth me doing what I did. Trivial for me, but not for him or his sister right? People in the same situation should never ever trivialise the worth of an action or a situation that they themselves are in as well. If it's not important to you, get out of my face?

I've often lamented about how pointless it is of being close to a person only for them to have it easier in slapping you in the face. I was caught unaware, though not unsurprising this time around. Looking at the entire scheme of things, it is definitely unsurprising why some people are in their predicament. But hey, there's always an excuse for it. There's always somebody else to blame.

If there were lessons to be learnt from this whole incident. It would be to not ever expect that they know better. It is also clear to me that I should redraw the lines of loyalty. After all, they only care about their own feelings. Would it be wrong if I looked after my own? Or is that considered selfish as well?

I have come this far only to be treated as such. Jokes on me!

Attention to Details

Ever had those situations when you were a kid where you wanted something so much and will always be met with a "no" for whatever reason? It could be "no money" or just plain "no". And when by some miracle that you finally get a yes, you find out at stores that they're out of stock? In some situations, you get to see somebody grab the last piece before you?

Do you remember how did that feel? Sometimes, not only are you disallowed to wallow in your misery, someone would try to make things better by going: "How about this instead?" Most of the time you would realise it was a worse deal. Very seldom it is a better deal. But the fact remains that the one, which you wanted most is gone and most likely may never be yours. All these feels as though it is additional insult to the injury. The pain is just too much.

Sometimes people try to understand you, they attempt albeit with the greatest effort to listen to you. However try as they may, they just cannot seem to understand. And sometimes you feel or you could swear that it is so simple and yet they cannot see it when it is right in front of them. You resign in frustration and anger, sometimes sorrow. Perhaps the only way for you to get what you want is by doing it yourself.

How can people be so dense? Are they truly such or are they actually indifferent to your needs and wants? Sometimes you wonder if they truly care, where if they did they would have had no difficulty understanding what you were trying to express. Sometimes you wonder if you are the weird one who seems to see things that are not there.

Contra of Paradox

It has always been about doing good. Doing the best that I can. And after that, everything will follow through as God will handle the rest. Often at times I feel the weight of this burden of walking the path of righteousness, trying to live as least of a blameless life as I can.

Yet I see the ignorant others, regardless of their awareness, living life happily as they wish without worrying whether they are living according to our beliefs. And yet, they seem to be doing well and more often than not, doing better than me. It is hard not to compare when I see more effort on my part than they while my life continues to remain stagnant in places where I see needs of assistance.

I cannot help but ask, what problems would they have which commensurate with the blessings that they receive? Far from capitalistic way of distribution. I feel as though a socialist form of blessing would benefit me more these days.

There is no such thing as equal love. I have been getting the short end of the stick long enough to know.

Change Yourself, Change the World

No doubt that trust is a hard thing to do for most people. However, they need to realise that no man is an island. No one person can be self sufficient for the rest of his life. There are arguments that there have been many people in history or people that they know who have lived a lone existence.

They often forget to notice the loneliness that these people have to quietly suffer. Guaranteed. Humans as well as any creatures are not designed to be alone. The proof is the feeling of hurt when being criticised, insulted... rejected. Everyone would be happy to be in the presence of people who talk to them, welcome them... accept them. It is when they are hurt by people, which causes them to shy away. Avoiding the pain of being rejected. The absence of acceptance. If a person is fine on his own, he would be immune to ill treatment and never need to resort to living away from others in the first place!

I roll my eyes whenever somebody says she does not care about anyone anymore because of how she was mistreated and that she wished that she cease to exist, which would end all the suffering she supposedly is going through. See, the problem already begins with such a selfish view of life. "Everybody is hurting me. Everybody takes me for granted. Everybody doesn't care about me."

First of all, has she ever done anything for these people to earn their care and respect?
If yes and they are still that way, then why be around them any longer? Why continue seeking acceptance from non-sources? If the problem lies within other people, why desire to destroy one's self?

Believe it or not, people who like to play victim to their own chosen circumstances are egotistical. Even in their misery they claim the whole world despise their existence. Please, I'm sure most of these people have better things to do than waste their energy hating you.

* * * * *

Like it or not, humans depend on one another to get by more comfortably. Just because a batch of people has been a disappointment does not mean the rest of the world is the same. We just have to move on and search for other groups of people who would be more accepting.

Some people don't wish to get out of their predicament. They should not be angry at anybody but themselves. This is the result of being used to having everything handed to them easily. Everything they ever wanted previously was acquired without so much as breaking a sweat or even choosing the easy way out. One person I know used to say "the path of least resistance".

Going out of the way to avoid troubles in life will only cause us to be inexperienced. How then are we to face more difficult problems ahead when we have not learnt the previous "lessons" before? A person can only escape and avoid so much. Sooner or later it will catch up with them. It is just like skipping school or not taking examinations.

If you do not have elementary school qualifications, how do you move on to high school? How do you move on to a good college? How do you move on to a good university? How do you ensure that you have some experience and knowledge to ensure you are more eligible for the job? How will you move up in rank without the experiences from the job?

* * * * *

If you think people find you useless or without worth. Would it not make sense to create the self value? As ideal as it may be to have everybody accept us for who we are, we need to change ourselves for the better. It is a collective effort on everybody's part. Just like the boat goes faster when everybody rows. And when everybody rows, it requires less effort for each stroke of the oar.

Once again as the great King of Pop sang, if you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make that change.

If you want people to accept you, respect you... give them reasons to. If you feel that is too much effort, then don't be surprised if people find it too much of an effort to like you.

In Other Words... No Change

Some people think they are so smart by resorting to a different method of avoiding the need to change for the better. Newsflash! Nothing changes!

All these "agree to disagree".
All these "disgress".
All these "moving on".

They all show one thing. Inability to accept what has been said albeit in a more polite way. Like if there was a polite way in saying "f*** you!"

Same old thing happening again and again. What is the use of harping over something when no solution has changed or improved. Let alone try a solution at all! The inertia will only destroy the self eventually if it persists.

As they always say, one should not complain if one does not even want to help.
If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

A person who disagrees must have very good reasons and should be better in rebutting what has been put forth. Rather than just disagreeing for the sake of not wanting to admit the truth of the matter. Sticking their head in the sand? Playing the fiddle when Rome burns? You get the idea.

If they do not want to face the facts and do something about it, they should cease making noise about their predicament because then it would be none other than self-fulfilling prophecy.