Exodus: The Road

Nearer towards the end of 2012, I received an email from a company who was my client during my previous work life. They asked if I could help with their work, which I had been doing for them annually for the past five years. Being cautious, and of principle, I had to make sure that I would not have been unknowingly stealing a client from my previous work place. After confirmations, I agreed to take the job. For some strange reason I believed that God provided me with the opportunity as some form of sustenance during my "rest". While taking up the job imposed several obstacles, I said to Him that if this is what He wanted, it would be what I will do. Failure or success would be part of His plan.

I had applied to several companies in hopes of eventually landing some interviews. I would like to think that I am one of those people with the worst luck when it comes to applying for jobs. All these job search sites might as well be liars to me.

Meanwhile a friend had been pushing me to meet up with a friend of hers who ran a headhunting agency for a while. I was reluctant to go the entire time because I just did not feel at ease meeting them on top of that prior to leaving my previous job, I barely had any time to myself. So it came to the point where I had nothing to lose, so I relented. I thought the idea of a headhunting agency was to help you get a job, but the owner of this company seemed to be more interested to tell me about his success story of where he is today and to also find faults with me. If that had been his intention all along, then I commend him for a job well done. The experience that day only served to reinforce my reservations for accepting people's help. Despite them meaning well, sometimes it does more harm than help. This would also be an extra point in going against the common saying of "How would you know if you don't try?", "Give them a benefit of a doubt." and "You are too quick to judge."

My senses have rarely let me down. It's when I allow others the benefit of a doubt that I more often than not, end up getting burned for it.

Later on, another friend, with whom I am often at odds recommended me to apply at a company who had a vacancy for a writer. The interview went well, the interviewer was impressed. However I did not get the job due to some fancy jargon, with which I could have made my own assumptions but I chose not to care. I just said to God, that this was probably His doing and that I trusted Him in the entire situation.

Time was and is still drawing closer towards my big day of symbolising my life's commitment to my beloved and without a certain way of securing a monthly income, the heat started to get more uncomfortable. During my idle time as well, I made it an effort to be of help to anyone I could. To the very least become a person whom they could talk to. Since I had nothing better to do anyway, might as well do some good.

As time went on, I felt that I was being spoken to from several sources that said the same thing.

Exodus: Truly?

For those who know me, as much as I try to write about positive aspects of life, I tend to digress towards being my old self where I observed and criticised the behaviour of people in general. Most of the time my thoughts dwell on the negative. Though I have tried adding constructive criticisms; treating the effects as symptoms and understanding the cause while attempting to provide a suggestion or remedy, if you will. As I struggled with my life for the past few months, I now realise that it was during that time in the proverbial wilderness and silence was when my attention was brought back to God.

In the quiet wait of uncertainty, it was a constant battle but fortunately a stalemate between keeping calm while trusting Him and giving up, giving in to despair. Looking back at my other experiences, it seems to be a recurring pattern. It always comes down to being left with nothing before I am able to regain focus of Him and when that happens, everything would fall into place.

To write it so plainly, does not do justice. It reads as though it is merely as simple as returning to Him and everything becomes right as rain. I wish it were so. Perhaps it would have been easier if I were a child. Back then it was easier to trust and to try. And as I grow older, the comfort and safety of routine becomes more enticing. The uncertainties of life just becomes more real. Unlike most normal families, I never had much of a safety net others would know their parents to be. Come to think about it, my life has been somewhat like AirAsia; no frills, except that I didn't get to choose the flight.

Anyways for those who know me, I was out of a job for the final quarter of 2012. It was indeed a big risk to have quit my previous job without securing the next. It was no surprise that most of my friends somehow radiated their aura of disapproval of my decision and could only cover it with weak words of encouragement. I don't blame them and I do agree with their thoughts. Any right-minded, logical-thinking person would not have done so. I would like to believe that it was "now or never" at that point of time as the only way was up. If you watched The Dark Knight Rises, you would remember Bane's prison. Yeah something like that.

During the four months of being unemployed. I tried to relax as much as I could by passing the time with activities I enjoy. Surprisingly, or maybe unsurprisingly my high blood pressure went down. I managed to get more rest than I would have gotten while working in the previous job. I also only ate whenever I was hungry, which also contributed to a weight lost. I did what I could to distract myself from freaking out at the thought of indefinite unemployment. I would not have been affected so much if I did not have a wedding in the coming few months.

Being the skeptic and cynic that I am, despite brothers and sisters being so kind with words of encouragement that everything would be alright and that He had it all covered. I somewhat felt that perhaps I would never be good enough for any job given my track record of less than decent performances since high school days. I was never a good student because I had a difficult time grasping the concept of what teachers and lecturers convey. I often thought that maybe I was slow or had some unknown disability. Needless to say, self esteem was always much desired.

Towards the end of 2012, I often kept hearing people talk about being obedient to God, though I never paid much attention to it. I already had a hard time straining to "listen" for His voice. I always wonder how God speaks to so many people but I could never hear Him. What sin did I commit to render myself deaf? Little did I know what was in store for me.

Self-imposed Oblivion and Dignity

You know how some people say that success does not happen overnight? And how someone's personality was not the way they are all of a sudden. I also saw a quote at the National Registration Department recently saying that, "You don't fail overnight. Instead failure is a result of error in judgments made repeatedly."

The essence is that a person's predicament does not happen suddenly and without reason or cause. Mind you "smart" people out there who are thinking of instances of car accidents or coming down with a sickness.

Few years ago I was in one of my many negative modes where I believed that I would never amount to anything good. I was told that my outlook of life was self-fulfilling prophecy. I could not understand, in fact I strongly rejected the idea that I was putting myself in a situation where I was intentionally setting up myself for failure. Only now when I look at others experiencing what I had, do I understand better.

If a person keeps intentionally doing something the exact way which were not successful the last several times, but yet adamantly keeps repeating over and over again, it is hardly a surprise that he would definitely know very well what the outcome would be. What is ridiculous is that he would find some sort of pride in being able to show people that he was right in believing that his attempts are futile because he already knew what the ending would be.

The compounding problem is when he already is settled for that mindset, that he behaves, or rather lives his life revolving around that state of mind. The faux reality which he has overlaid over the real layer of the world. It is like wearing a pair of shit-tinted glasses. He starts to believe his own lie about what the world, what the people are like. This lie of course started out as a whisper, but the Prince of this World is cunning. Now the lie has become a reality in his eyes and his mind. I only pray that his heart will be the last hope of resistance, which will push back the onslaught and ultimately win back his thoughts and visions for good.

* * * * *

As he is oblivious to the reality of the situation, so too is he oblivious to how others who genuinely care, are feeling especially when people, like myself, are trying to restore dignity and self-respect in him. It seems to amount to nothing as my efforts are trampled upon as worthless. I also cannot help but feel that I am resented for what I have, for the little that I have.

It's one thing to envy and resent those who have more than we do, but to envy and resent those whom have less than you? That is very dangerous territory. Ungratefulness leads to resentment, which leads to disobedience and ultimately separation.

My mother told me that if a person is not grateful for what he has that he would never ever be grateful for what he would get. I in my impoverished state could not fathom the meaning to those words because anything we received would be more than what we ever had before. I only realised what she meant when I observed those who were well off and lived more than comfortable lives. Their desire for worldly gains was never quenchable. They always needed to have the next newer, better thing. It seemed as though they were subjects to their desires.

Thinking about how I am resented for what little that I have, which he does not have while he has so much more than me in terms of comforts and security really hurts me. Especially with so many things that he has done to which I consciously chose to turn a blind eye.

But yet, here I am striving to build up and restore dignity in his being, as oblivious as he is, blinded by his self-inflicted misery. All I feel as days go by is a faded friendship. I feel as though I am being treated more and more like just another person or annoyance in his life as he reinforces the wall around himself.

I've said it before that while he believes people are avoiding him, it is actually the other way around where he pushes people away. Over time out of respect for his strongly portrayed desire for privacy and solitude, people just stop approaching. But then in his head, he sees them as the one avoiding him.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

 

Just Sayings

There are some people who live by talking. There are those who talk by living.

How can he conjure up so much textual nonsense but yet do not live by his very own sayings? Two possibilities that are the only explanation for a person of this condition is retardation or blatant hypocrisy. It insults my intelligence. It shows he probably has none.

What is the point of speaking as though he knows, when nothing that he (assuming) has put into practice bear fruit?

If he complains on and on about how the world is unfair to him yet he does absolutely nothing worth to change his predicament, how does that make sense? One thousand and one so called reasons why changes cannot take place. He notices that he is not being treated the way he ideally expects he is entitled to. But he has done nothing to change that. Lead by example they say.

Other people are scum for treating him as such. But why is it fine when he does it to others? Especially to those whom he claims that he is close with? Intentionally lying may not be the agenda. But this is just ridiculous. So much talk while actions show otherwise. This is why the predicament remains. Because it's all talk. It's easier to gripe than to do something about it.

Despite all the excuses, people have given him opportunities to make something of himself. Opportunities to do things differently. But does he see it? No. Does he listen to things being spelled out explicitly for him? No. Excuses upon excuses to justify why he is unable take up the suggestions of others, who obviously have gone further than him.

Complaining that nobody shows him kindness and grace, but yet every gesture has been disregarded or thrown aside while he continues to treat them indifferently. Blinding himself to the blessings yet demanding something more. Expecting for so much when he has done so little. Is that fair at all?

The more I am inflicted with this, the more I believe that it is unnecessary for me to put up with it. Everybody has their limits. So do I. What is the point in me caring when it is met with indifference? I promise that the next time I am accused from the likes of him, I will have no more cheek to turn.

Someone else said that he has weird sense of priorities in life. Glad to know somebody else said the same thing as I have. The view of "me (and my family) against the world" will, if not already be his affliction of isolation.

Another thing: Loyalty is good and all provided if it is fair and wise. Zealously servicing those who you are loyal to, when in the wrong does not award you credits for effort. You are no different than those fanatics of religion.

Also, if you claim that you cannot read people's minds. Then don't expect other people to do so with you. It's just messed up.

"Grace before perfection" indeed. Receive grace but don't show grace, and especially no working towards perfection? Isn't that just taking the grace for granted?

Settling the Murky Waters

What a day today was. Even though they were simple things, regular things. Things that others do like breathe, second nature. But for me I am as always grateful and happy just like being thankful for being alive.

My time together with her today has been enlightening, albeit a little more but still a significant step towards understanding the way we are. My walk with her started out with disagreements in taste of clothing. She asked me if there was anything I would like to see. Now for those who are not discerning, my answer would have sounded like off tangent or even provocative but I meant it to be a holistic response. I replied that there is nothing else that I would like to see because whatever I like is often met with disapproval anyway.

But the entire time while I was silent, I was thinking to myself about her choice in clothing. Most of the articles of clothing she was interested in did not really appeal to me. I felt as though they were not special. They were rather bland in a background person kind of way. If I were to dress, it would need to bear some identity. People would need to go,"Oh yes. This is definitely him/her," or "This person has a distinct style."

Just like how my past of wearing black has lingered still. Only because I cannot afford new threads and I have yet to find something that really makes me need to get it.

I had monologues before concerning people who like certain clothing because it looks nice on its own or on a model but they never took into consideration whether it would look good on them. But anyways, I chose not to be bothered by it. I also realised that I may have been imposing my expectation of identity on her. Though on the flipside, it would be nice if one day people could look and her and go, "Wow they certainly have good taste." One can only dream.

Regardless of that whole thought it was time for lunch and everything previously was washed away with heavy dosage of alcohol. Though the sensation was thrilling, it was also scary how liquid could affect one's ability to function properly.

At the end of the trip, I am glad to know more about her and what she likes but I also hope that she would try my suggestions instead of straight dismissal. After all at the end of the day, we like what makes us look good.

What a day today was. Even though they were simple things, regular things. I am glad that I learned more today.

Willfully Ignorant

If there is one thing that annoys me to no end is deliberate ignorance.

I am not talking about those who are genuinely in the dark but those who are implicitly told or shown but yet they with every fibre of their being refuses to acknowledge. They behave as such primarily to avoid being in the wrong. But to what gains? What is the point having a "portfolio" of good track record when the only evaluator is themselves?

* * * * *

It's 3:42AM and I cannot sleep. Why? Because I am angry over the day's event which I woke up to and really did not need to deal with. But instead I chose to be nice. I chose to entertain it.

I get accused of allegedly committing some supposedly breach of verbal contract where I am committed to performing some task, in a game, with a friend and his sister every week. Now I was not aware of such a thing and I with my clear conscience have never made such an agreement.

But this confrontational discussion which my friend engaged with me was not for seeking understanding or clearing any miscommunication (not on my part that's for damn sure). He was set to persecute somebody, anybody in attempts to vindicate his beloved sister. Fighting to restore her honour or dignity if you will. Apparently in his words, or maybe hers, I caused her "grief".

Whatever attempts to justify myself (which I now regretted even bothering to do) were all dismissed with double-standard and bias responses, which seemed fine when he was putting it to me, but invalid when I pointed out several more instances, which they practise.

"I don't like it when my family members are mistreated," said he, whom I saw at best, delusional and wanting to slay some hallucinated villain that had besmirched his sister. I could have easily taken that statement as a threat. And I do not take kindly to threats. But because of my choice, I chose to let it slide.

At the end of the day, logic had no significance in our conversation. It was all emotion. All about one person felt that she was wronged and somebody needed to pay for it. It was all that mattered. So people knowing that I am a nice person and often being the proverbial doormat, gets stepped on once again.

For the sake of getting him off my back, I formally apologised that she was led to believe such a dubious accusation took place. And that I never intended for her to be misled. Sure I apologised but the more I think about it, I am now not in the least bit sorry.

Why is it that when people whine about others being inconsiderate, it often somehow relates to the alleged inconsiderate person not doing something for them. They never weigh their own contributions to see whether such ironically self-centered statements warrant are even worth a thought.

The additional irony is that after all the barrage of attacks on me, he goes to trivialise my action asking me if it was worth me doing what I did. Trivial for me, but not for him or his sister right? People in the same situation should never ever trivialise the worth of an action or a situation that they themselves are in as well. If it's not important to you, get out of my face?

I've often lamented about how pointless it is of being close to a person only for them to have it easier in slapping you in the face. I was caught unaware, though not unsurprising this time around. Looking at the entire scheme of things, it is definitely unsurprising why some people are in their predicament. But hey, there's always an excuse for it. There's always somebody else to blame.

If there were lessons to be learnt from this whole incident. It would be to not ever expect that they know better. It is also clear to me that I should redraw the lines of loyalty. After all, they only care about their own feelings. Would it be wrong if I looked after my own? Or is that considered selfish as well?

I have come this far only to be treated as such. Jokes on me!

Attention to Details

Ever had those situations when you were a kid where you wanted something so much and will always be met with a "no" for whatever reason? It could be "no money" or just plain "no". And when by some miracle that you finally get a yes, you find out at stores that they're out of stock? In some situations, you get to see somebody grab the last piece before you?

Do you remember how did that feel? Sometimes, not only are you disallowed to wallow in your misery, someone would try to make things better by going: "How about this instead?" Most of the time you would realise it was a worse deal. Very seldom it is a better deal. But the fact remains that the one, which you wanted most is gone and most likely may never be yours. All these feels as though it is additional insult to the injury. The pain is just too much.

Sometimes people try to understand you, they attempt albeit with the greatest effort to listen to you. However try as they may, they just cannot seem to understand. And sometimes you feel or you could swear that it is so simple and yet they cannot see it when it is right in front of them. You resign in frustration and anger, sometimes sorrow. Perhaps the only way for you to get what you want is by doing it yourself.

How can people be so dense? Are they truly such or are they actually indifferent to your needs and wants? Sometimes you wonder if they truly care, where if they did they would have had no difficulty understanding what you were trying to express. Sometimes you wonder if you are the weird one who seems to see things that are not there.

Contra of Paradox

It has always been about doing good. Doing the best that I can. And after that, everything will follow through as God will handle the rest. Often at times I feel the weight of this burden of walking the path of righteousness, trying to live as least of a blameless life as I can.

Yet I see the ignorant others, regardless of their awareness, living life happily as they wish without worrying whether they are living according to our beliefs. And yet, they seem to be doing well and more often than not, doing better than me. It is hard not to compare when I see more effort on my part than they while my life continues to remain stagnant in places where I see needs of assistance.

I cannot help but ask, what problems would they have which commensurate with the blessings that they receive? Far from capitalistic way of distribution. I feel as though a socialist form of blessing would benefit me more these days.

There is no such thing as equal love. I have been getting the short end of the stick long enough to know.

Change Yourself, Change the World

No doubt that trust is a hard thing to do for most people. However, they need to realise that no man is an island. No one person can be self sufficient for the rest of his life. There are arguments that there have been many people in history or people that they know who have lived a lone existence.

They often forget to notice the loneliness that these people have to quietly suffer. Guaranteed. Humans as well as any creatures are not designed to be alone. The proof is the feeling of hurt when being criticised, insulted... rejected. Everyone would be happy to be in the presence of people who talk to them, welcome them... accept them. It is when they are hurt by people, which causes them to shy away. Avoiding the pain of being rejected. The absence of acceptance. If a person is fine on his own, he would be immune to ill treatment and never need to resort to living away from others in the first place!

I roll my eyes whenever somebody says she does not care about anyone anymore because of how she was mistreated and that she wished that she cease to exist, which would end all the suffering she supposedly is going through. See, the problem already begins with such a selfish view of life. "Everybody is hurting me. Everybody takes me for granted. Everybody doesn't care about me."

First of all, has she ever done anything for these people to earn their care and respect?
If yes and they are still that way, then why be around them any longer? Why continue seeking acceptance from non-sources? If the problem lies within other people, why desire to destroy one's self?

Believe it or not, people who like to play victim to their own chosen circumstances are egotistical. Even in their misery they claim the whole world despise their existence. Please, I'm sure most of these people have better things to do than waste their energy hating you.

* * * * *

Like it or not, humans depend on one another to get by more comfortably. Just because a batch of people has been a disappointment does not mean the rest of the world is the same. We just have to move on and search for other groups of people who would be more accepting.

Some people don't wish to get out of their predicament. They should not be angry at anybody but themselves. This is the result of being used to having everything handed to them easily. Everything they ever wanted previously was acquired without so much as breaking a sweat or even choosing the easy way out. One person I know used to say "the path of least resistance".

Going out of the way to avoid troubles in life will only cause us to be inexperienced. How then are we to face more difficult problems ahead when we have not learnt the previous "lessons" before? A person can only escape and avoid so much. Sooner or later it will catch up with them. It is just like skipping school or not taking examinations.

If you do not have elementary school qualifications, how do you move on to high school? How do you move on to a good college? How do you move on to a good university? How do you ensure that you have some experience and knowledge to ensure you are more eligible for the job? How will you move up in rank without the experiences from the job?

* * * * *

If you think people find you useless or without worth. Would it not make sense to create the self value? As ideal as it may be to have everybody accept us for who we are, we need to change ourselves for the better. It is a collective effort on everybody's part. Just like the boat goes faster when everybody rows. And when everybody rows, it requires less effort for each stroke of the oar.

Once again as the great King of Pop sang, if you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make that change.

If you want people to accept you, respect you... give them reasons to. If you feel that is too much effort, then don't be surprised if people find it too much of an effort to like you.

In Other Words... No Change

Some people think they are so smart by resorting to a different method of avoiding the need to change for the better. Newsflash! Nothing changes!

All these "agree to disagree".
All these "disgress".
All these "moving on".

They all show one thing. Inability to accept what has been said albeit in a more polite way. Like if there was a polite way in saying "f*** you!"

Same old thing happening again and again. What is the use of harping over something when no solution has changed or improved. Let alone try a solution at all! The inertia will only destroy the self eventually if it persists.

As they always say, one should not complain if one does not even want to help.
If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

A person who disagrees must have very good reasons and should be better in rebutting what has been put forth. Rather than just disagreeing for the sake of not wanting to admit the truth of the matter. Sticking their head in the sand? Playing the fiddle when Rome burns? You get the idea.

If they do not want to face the facts and do something about it, they should cease making noise about their predicament because then it would be none other than self-fulfilling prophecy.