Of Logic and Emotions

I don't remember if I used the title before, but oh well...

I have often been criticised for being too logical and void of emotions when it comes to presenting solutions for problems. Some people find my solutions as ruthless in its method of execution and they couldn't imagine how they were able to bring themselves to do it. My argument would be that it would be the most effective way of handling it. The most effective way... as in, direct to the point; the straightest the line possible from point A to B.

As I've said before previously that I deal with facts, as much data as possible to reduce the possibilities and probabilities of making errors. It is typical that people are appreciative of the results but not so much the means. Don't worry, I never resort to anything underhanded or unethical.

When I was young, I was filled with emotion. I had a less than an ordinary growing up experience. In short, whatever problems I encounter, were mine to deal with whether I liked it or not. It has gotten to the point where getting upset and crying was too troublesome and not productive at all. One day I decided to rid myself of as much emotion as possible wherever possible and instead, focus on thinking logically on how to deal with the situation at hand. Over time of course, I became accustomed to it.

As the saying goes, that your strength is also your weakness. I came to the point of being having a greater clarity in discernment where others couldn't. It would be rather apparent to me while others would struggle to see what I did. My displeasure for their inability would be visible and that would cause unpleasantries. I could never understand why were unable to see things as I did. I slowly discovered that I had gained heightened awareness in certain areas at the cost of my humanity and compassion.

Dishonesty Veiled

Dishonesty has always been one of my greatest hate. If a war could be waged upon it, I would gladly lead that war in the front lines.

How is it that people can lie through their teeth without blinking an eye. Better yet, how are they able to believe in their own fabrication to the point it has become reality in their minds. They rather face believe their lies than to face the real truth and accept responsibility for their actions.

With such people who refuse to be accountable for their actions, how can anybody entrust anything important to them? Important things, like friendship and love. There is nothing to stop them from stabbing you as they see your back.

Liars will go all out of their way to embellish their story or false alibi in hopes of selling you their story, and hope you pay for it, with your trust, and more. For every question to their questionable action, they will always have some sort of excuse or "cover line" of which to evade the subject at hand.

They say action speaks louder than words... There is a good reason for that saying which lives on until this very day. A person who is trustworthy, does not need to sell himself. People will know through the consistency of his actions. Consistency. Perseverance.

If it's too good to be true, it probably is. I am a firm believer of working for my gain. Whatever I have, is through "toiling the earth" the honest way. You can only go so far in being dishonest.

Nothing good can start from deception and betrayal. And nothing will end well because of it.

Whoever loves righteousness, hates wickedness. Whoever loves wickedness, hates righteousness.

You cannot escape the truth, so might as well live responsibly because we all will face judgment in the end.

Double Standards? Maybe...

It seems I am known to be rather religious or seemingly uncompromising in my beliefs and principles. I'm glad that people recognise me for such qualities because it shows that I'm straight cut no nonsense when it comes to walking the line.

Had a discussion with an acquaintance a few days ago. We were discussing about his decisions in life and he was astonished to hear me not-discouraging his plans. In fact, in some areas I was advocating his choices. So he asked me whether that would make me a hypocrite since it went against my beliefs.

I disagreed. I said, while I had my own beliefs, principles and practises. It doesn't mean that I need to, or should impose it on other people. If I had been asked how I would act on certain things, I would gladly do so with detailed explanation of course. I don't believe in imposing my way of things on others. I mean, who am I to do such a thing? How different would I be from those religious fanatics and zealots who are bent on forcing their dogma down people's throats. It would obviously have the adverse effect if I wanted them to understand my view.

I am not here to judge, rather I am inspired to follow after His way, which is to reveal, illuminate and educate. He didn't forced His teachings on anybody. Not even with a sword. For if we live by the sword, we would die by the sword.

There is no point arguing since arguments themselves happen when minds that are made up, come across differing views. Usually when a person has decided on something, it would be difficult to convince them otherwise. And of course, nobody likes to be told the are wrong. Perhaps some people are gifted with being able to gently persuade others on the errors of their ways, but I don't have that.

I deal with cold hard facts. Like it or not. Facts which make you aware and help you make better, educated and informed decisions. Don't like it? Don't take it. But hey, you asked.

Friend or foe, I deliver the same. I am never bias, because I have experienced the other end of it. Many times in life have I endured injustice even from those who claim to share the same beliefs as I. I would maybe go as far as to implore to consider the outcomes based on the decisions, but that's it. Life is too short for me to carry a torch for so many out there. It's even worse since I am suffering from hypertension.

Call it double standards? Maybe. I have one for myself, and I have none for others.

Bros for Hos

It pains me but I have to accept the fact that I have lost a friend who might as well be dead to me, dead to the world. All the years of giving a shit about him but he never seem to cared. Always only looking out for himself. Always not wanting to invest in anything other than what benefits himself.

If there’s one thing I will not tolerate is guys who forget about their friends and disappears from the face of the earth to be with a girl. And they only show up again asking to hang out when their girl is not available.

The biggest “f*** you”, I received today, and so far in my entire life. He was the one that asked to have dinner only to cancel it almost at the very last minute because apparently it sounded like there was an emergency.

Get this. He needed to be home because his needy excuse of a girlfriend was not feeling well and so she decided to go home early, have an early dinner and go to bed. According to him, she doesn’t like eating alone so he has to accompany her.

“Like what, on Skype!?” I asked for clarification. To which he reluctantly acknowledged.

I’m talking about a guy who gave up his entire life, to leave the country and be with her. Dropping all his progress in life, career, friends and family just to be with her. I tried not to pay it much mind but other people could also tell she was too needy. If you think this is romantic, I think it’s ridiculous.

Encouraging such dependent and spoiled behaviour. And for what? To feel useful? To give one’s self the illusion that he’s loved for “loving” her. So what happens if he doesn’t do all these? No love for the guy?

Another friend of mine was nonchalantly saying that once he finally goes over, and if she dumps him, it would be hilarious. I tried not to give in to that thought but it seems like the only comfort I could have.

Life is Cheap As Long As It Isn't Ours

Few days ago, a Nepalese man committed suicide by jumping off  the roof of a three-storeyed row of shop lots in the upper class area of Taman Tun Dr. Ismail (TTDI).

Read Nepali jumps to his death from roof of shoplot for the context.

Needless to say it was a tragic incident. According to the writer of the following article, as provided in the link, he/she is disgusted with how people responded to the incident. Particularly the people on social media.

Read Rich in your pocket, poor in your soul - A disgusted TTDI resident to get the backstory.

The writer expressed disdain over the people's apathy and those who even encouraged the suicide to happen. And that these people placed more priority in other things like lost pets, food sales, restaurant reviews, crime and traffic problems. The writer even singled out the residents of TTDI.

Time and time again, there will be those who supposedly take the moral high ground and rebuke others for behaving less than expected. In this case the writer, who is even a TTDI resident, criticising his own neighbourhood. If I would be so inclined as to throw a thoughtless judgemental response, I'd say that this person took the pre-emptive measures to cover his/her ass at the expense of criticising his fellow residents.

To act astonished by the type of people you find on the internet is to be naïve and ignorant. The world is full of people with ugly souls and are concealed for they are often too afraid to show in person. Attempts to rebuke people on the internet, let alone in real life, is a futile attempt – sorry to say. For as long as we have free will, everybody will do whatever they want as long as they can get away with it. If you want to see change in this area, then make sure that people are educated properly. Parents' upbringing play an important role in this area, like it or not.

The Nepalese who committed suicide did it by his own free will. Nothing that the people online could say would have changed anything. Their actions merely revealed who they are inside. Not justifying their behaviour... but who are we to control how others think or behave, whether right or wrong?

The writer did display some level of awareness that there is more that the country could do to address exploitation of foreign workers. Before any improvements to the nation can take place, we first need to look to ourselves. For as long as majority of the people keep looking out only for themselves, the country will remain scattered with no unity towards common goals for the benefit of all. Just like a boat with everybody paddling in different directions.

It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor. If you don't have proper values, you just don't. Having the privilege of being in the upper class of society does not make you benevolent, intelligent or sophisticated by default. Refer to the phrase “nice guys finish last”. I have rarely met rich people who are genuinely nice. These people are often more concerned about their possessions and personal status over other people. So, there wasn't anything that the netizens could say to undo the tragic act, regardless of whatever class they belong to.

Do I agree that their goading comments were inappropriate? Yes, I do. They were disrespectful, but then again, what else is new with us “civilised” humans? As I once heard from a respected leader... we can have the world's greatest man to lead the country, but if the individuals themselves refuse to change their ways for the better, what good is that one man? We shouldn't look to others to change when we know very well ourselves that we have free will and hate being told what to do.

Comfortable people should be the last to complain.

Exodus: The Road

Nearer towards the end of 2012, I received an email from a company who was my client during my previous work life. They asked if I could help with their work, which I had been doing for them annually for the past five years. Being cautious, and of principle, I had to make sure that I would not have been unknowingly stealing a client from my previous work place. After confirmations, I agreed to take the job. For some strange reason I believed that God provided me with the opportunity as some form of sustenance during my "rest". While taking up the job imposed several obstacles, I said to Him that if this is what He wanted, it would be what I will do. Failure or success would be part of His plan.

I had applied to several companies in hopes of eventually landing some interviews. I would like to think that I am one of those people with the worst luck when it comes to applying for jobs. All these job search sites might as well be liars to me.

Meanwhile a friend had been pushing me to meet up with a friend of hers who ran a headhunting agency for a while. I was reluctant to go the entire time because I just did not feel at ease meeting them on top of that prior to leaving my previous job, I barely had any time to myself. So it came to the point where I had nothing to lose, so I relented. I thought the idea of a headhunting agency was to help you get a job, but the owner of this company seemed to be more interested to tell me about his success story of where he is today and to also find faults with me. If that had been his intention all along, then I commend him for a job well done. The experience that day only served to reinforce my reservations for accepting people's help. Despite them meaning well, sometimes it does more harm than help. This would also be an extra point in going against the common saying of "How would you know if you don't try?", "Give them a benefit of a doubt." and "You are too quick to judge."

My senses have rarely let me down. It's when I allow others the benefit of a doubt that I more often than not, end up getting burned for it.

Later on, another friend, with whom I am often at odds recommended me to apply at a company who had a vacancy for a writer. The interview went well, the interviewer was impressed. However I did not get the job due to some fancy jargon, with which I could have made my own assumptions but I chose not to care. I just said to God, that this was probably His doing and that I trusted Him in the entire situation.

Time was and is still drawing closer towards my big day of symbolising my life's commitment to my beloved and without a certain way of securing a monthly income, the heat started to get more uncomfortable. During my idle time as well, I made it an effort to be of help to anyone I could. To the very least become a person whom they could talk to. Since I had nothing better to do anyway, might as well do some good.

As time went on, I felt that I was being spoken to from several sources that said the same thing.

Exodus: Truly?

For those who know me, as much as I try to write about positive aspects of life, I tend to digress towards being my old self where I observed and criticised the behaviour of people in general. Most of the time my thoughts dwell on the negative. Though I have tried adding constructive criticisms; treating the effects as symptoms and understanding the cause while attempting to provide a suggestion or remedy, if you will. As I struggled with my life for the past few months, I now realise that it was during that time in the proverbial wilderness and silence was when my attention was brought back to God.

In the quiet wait of uncertainty, it was a constant battle but fortunately a stalemate between keeping calm while trusting Him and giving up, giving in to despair. Looking back at my other experiences, it seems to be a recurring pattern. It always comes down to being left with nothing before I am able to regain focus of Him and when that happens, everything would fall into place.

To write it so plainly, does not do justice. It reads as though it is merely as simple as returning to Him and everything becomes right as rain. I wish it were so. Perhaps it would have been easier if I were a child. Back then it was easier to trust and to try. And as I grow older, the comfort and safety of routine becomes more enticing. The uncertainties of life just becomes more real. Unlike most normal families, I never had much of a safety net others would know their parents to be. Come to think about it, my life has been somewhat like AirAsia; no frills, except that I didn't get to choose the flight.

Anyways for those who know me, I was out of a job for the final quarter of 2012. It was indeed a big risk to have quit my previous job without securing the next. It was no surprise that most of my friends somehow radiated their aura of disapproval of my decision and could only cover it with weak words of encouragement. I don't blame them and I do agree with their thoughts. Any right-minded, logical-thinking person would not have done so. I would like to believe that it was "now or never" at that point of time as the only way was up. If you watched The Dark Knight Rises, you would remember Bane's prison. Yeah something like that.

During the four months of being unemployed. I tried to relax as much as I could by passing the time with activities I enjoy. Surprisingly, or maybe unsurprisingly my high blood pressure went down. I managed to get more rest than I would have gotten while working in the previous job. I also only ate whenever I was hungry, which also contributed to a weight lost. I did what I could to distract myself from freaking out at the thought of indefinite unemployment. I would not have been affected so much if I did not have a wedding in the coming few months.

Being the skeptic and cynic that I am, despite brothers and sisters being so kind with words of encouragement that everything would be alright and that He had it all covered. I somewhat felt that perhaps I would never be good enough for any job given my track record of less than decent performances since high school days. I was never a good student because I had a difficult time grasping the concept of what teachers and lecturers convey. I often thought that maybe I was slow or had some unknown disability. Needless to say, self esteem was always much desired.

Towards the end of 2012, I often kept hearing people talk about being obedient to God, though I never paid much attention to it. I already had a hard time straining to "listen" for His voice. I always wonder how God speaks to so many people but I could never hear Him. What sin did I commit to render myself deaf? Little did I know what was in store for me.

Self-imposed Oblivion and Dignity

You know how some people say that success does not happen overnight? And how someone's personality was not the way they are all of a sudden. I also saw a quote at the National Registration Department recently saying that, "You don't fail overnight. Instead failure is a result of error in judgments made repeatedly."

The essence is that a person's predicament does not happen suddenly and without reason or cause. Mind you "smart" people out there who are thinking of instances of car accidents or coming down with a sickness.

Few years ago I was in one of my many negative modes where I believed that I would never amount to anything good. I was told that my outlook of life was self-fulfilling prophecy. I could not understand, in fact I strongly rejected the idea that I was putting myself in a situation where I was intentionally setting up myself for failure. Only now when I look at others experiencing what I had, do I understand better.

If a person keeps intentionally doing something the exact way which were not successful the last several times, but yet adamantly keeps repeating over and over again, it is hardly a surprise that he would definitely know very well what the outcome would be. What is ridiculous is that he would find some sort of pride in being able to show people that he was right in believing that his attempts are futile because he already knew what the ending would be.

The compounding problem is when he already is settled for that mindset, that he behaves, or rather lives his life revolving around that state of mind. The faux reality which he has overlaid over the real layer of the world. It is like wearing a pair of shit-tinted glasses. He starts to believe his own lie about what the world, what the people are like. This lie of course started out as a whisper, but the Prince of this World is cunning. Now the lie has become a reality in his eyes and his mind. I only pray that his heart will be the last hope of resistance, which will push back the onslaught and ultimately win back his thoughts and visions for good.

* * * * *

As he is oblivious to the reality of the situation, so too is he oblivious to how others who genuinely care, are feeling especially when people, like myself, are trying to restore dignity and self-respect in him. It seems to amount to nothing as my efforts are trampled upon as worthless. I also cannot help but feel that I am resented for what I have, for the little that I have.

It's one thing to envy and resent those who have more than we do, but to envy and resent those whom have less than you? That is very dangerous territory. Ungratefulness leads to resentment, which leads to disobedience and ultimately separation.

My mother told me that if a person is not grateful for what he has that he would never ever be grateful for what he would get. I in my impoverished state could not fathom the meaning to those words because anything we received would be more than what we ever had before. I only realised what she meant when I observed those who were well off and lived more than comfortable lives. Their desire for worldly gains was never quenchable. They always needed to have the next newer, better thing. It seemed as though they were subjects to their desires.

Thinking about how I am resented for what little that I have, which he does not have while he has so much more than me in terms of comforts and security really hurts me. Especially with so many things that he has done to which I consciously chose to turn a blind eye.

But yet, here I am striving to build up and restore dignity in his being, as oblivious as he is, blinded by his self-inflicted misery. All I feel as days go by is a faded friendship. I feel as though I am being treated more and more like just another person or annoyance in his life as he reinforces the wall around himself.

I've said it before that while he believes people are avoiding him, it is actually the other way around where he pushes people away. Over time out of respect for his strongly portrayed desire for privacy and solitude, people just stop approaching. But then in his head, he sees them as the one avoiding him.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

 

Just Sayings

There are some people who live by talking. There are those who talk by living.

How can he conjure up so much textual nonsense but yet do not live by his very own sayings? Two possibilities that are the only explanation for a person of this condition is retardation or blatant hypocrisy. It insults my intelligence. It shows he probably has none.

What is the point of speaking as though he knows, when nothing that he (assuming) has put into practice bear fruit?

If he complains on and on about how the world is unfair to him yet he does absolutely nothing worth to change his predicament, how does that make sense? One thousand and one so called reasons why changes cannot take place. He notices that he is not being treated the way he ideally expects he is entitled to. But he has done nothing to change that. Lead by example they say.

Other people are scum for treating him as such. But why is it fine when he does it to others? Especially to those whom he claims that he is close with? Intentionally lying may not be the agenda. But this is just ridiculous. So much talk while actions show otherwise. This is why the predicament remains. Because it's all talk. It's easier to gripe than to do something about it.

Despite all the excuses, people have given him opportunities to make something of himself. Opportunities to do things differently. But does he see it? No. Does he listen to things being spelled out explicitly for him? No. Excuses upon excuses to justify why he is unable take up the suggestions of others, who obviously have gone further than him.

Complaining that nobody shows him kindness and grace, but yet every gesture has been disregarded or thrown aside while he continues to treat them indifferently. Blinding himself to the blessings yet demanding something more. Expecting for so much when he has done so little. Is that fair at all?

The more I am inflicted with this, the more I believe that it is unnecessary for me to put up with it. Everybody has their limits. So do I. What is the point in me caring when it is met with indifference? I promise that the next time I am accused from the likes of him, I will have no more cheek to turn.

Someone else said that he has weird sense of priorities in life. Glad to know somebody else said the same thing as I have. The view of "me (and my family) against the world" will, if not already be his affliction of isolation.

Another thing: Loyalty is good and all provided if it is fair and wise. Zealously servicing those who you are loyal to, when in the wrong does not award you credits for effort. You are no different than those fanatics of religion.

Also, if you claim that you cannot read people's minds. Then don't expect other people to do so with you. It's just messed up.

"Grace before perfection" indeed. Receive grace but don't show grace, and especially no working towards perfection? Isn't that just taking the grace for granted?

Settling the Murky Waters

What a day today was. Even though they were simple things, regular things. Things that others do like breathe, second nature. But for me I am as always grateful and happy just like being thankful for being alive.

My time together with her today has been enlightening, albeit a little more but still a significant step towards understanding the way we are. My walk with her started out with disagreements in taste of clothing. She asked me if there was anything I would like to see. Now for those who are not discerning, my answer would have sounded like off tangent or even provocative but I meant it to be a holistic response. I replied that there is nothing else that I would like to see because whatever I like is often met with disapproval anyway.

But the entire time while I was silent, I was thinking to myself about her choice in clothing. Most of the articles of clothing she was interested in did not really appeal to me. I felt as though they were not special. They were rather bland in a background person kind of way. If I were to dress, it would need to bear some identity. People would need to go,"Oh yes. This is definitely him/her," or "This person has a distinct style."

Just like how my past of wearing black has lingered still. Only because I cannot afford new threads and I have yet to find something that really makes me need to get it.

I had monologues before concerning people who like certain clothing because it looks nice on its own or on a model but they never took into consideration whether it would look good on them. But anyways, I chose not to be bothered by it. I also realised that I may have been imposing my expectation of identity on her. Though on the flipside, it would be nice if one day people could look and her and go, "Wow they certainly have good taste." One can only dream.

Regardless of that whole thought it was time for lunch and everything previously was washed away with heavy dosage of alcohol. Though the sensation was thrilling, it was also scary how liquid could affect one's ability to function properly.

At the end of the trip, I am glad to know more about her and what she likes but I also hope that she would try my suggestions instead of straight dismissal. After all at the end of the day, we like what makes us look good.

What a day today was. Even though they were simple things, regular things. I am glad that I learned more today.